i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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