he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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