i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
