if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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