I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
