I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
