Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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