I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
