you win again, gameday.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
its liver damage thursday
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
