So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
