uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think I died a long time ago.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
