i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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