We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
