Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You are a booty call, not a friend.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
