my phone needs a breathalizer
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
