last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
