I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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