he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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