Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
