My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
