I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
