I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
