You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize