Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize