I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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