I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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