Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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