I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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