If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize