Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
