remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
