My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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