I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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