I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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