guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
