So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
