did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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