Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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