I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
