I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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