I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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