im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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