my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize