Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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