Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
