i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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