I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sext me about skeletons
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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