does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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