ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
