I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
