I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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