today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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