What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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