he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
