I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
