Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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