I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
His hands were made for my vagina.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
