Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
